she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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