i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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