the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
