Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
