while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
