I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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