hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
