This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
