the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
