Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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