The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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