he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
