she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
