so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
