Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
