i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
