The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
