I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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