i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
