there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
