i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
