The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
