you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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