guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
