I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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