I can tuck mytits in my pants
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
