I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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