Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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