There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
