i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
