Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
