Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There's always time for handjobs
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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