the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
