my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
