Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
