My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
