I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
