don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You are a genius and a whore.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
