i was born a porn star she said
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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