I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
