I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
