On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
