Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
