then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
