I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize