she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
