I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
