She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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