bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
