Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
why do cheetos always look like penises
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
