we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize