i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
im six kinds of drunk right now
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
