ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize